Stardew Valley is Ruining My Life

— Saturday, April 9th, Games

I am having a hard time starting this post because all I can think of is how much I’d rather stop writing this post and go play Stardew Valley.

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I am furious with Emma for telling me to play this game. She had to tell me about eight times to play it, because I have a severe problem with listening to (and following) suggestions, even if they are in my best interest. And you know what? My horrible not-listening ways have been 100% validated because Stardew Valley is ruining my actual life.

“Hey, want to go on a hike?” One of my friends asks.

“I can’t.” I say, pupils dilating, pulse quickening, hands sweating. “I… Have to return some videotapes.”

“What?” They ask. “Videotapes aren’t even a thing anymo-”

But it’s too late, I’m gone, I’m already in my bed and blanket cave of sweat and shame, with my two laptops open and a pizza on the way.

Here is a picture of me before Stardew Valley, when I went outside, had sunshine on my face, had friends and prospects (I am the one holding the red solo cup to show that I am not only fun, but cool too!):
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Here is a picture of me now:

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I have only been playing for a little over a week and I have already gone through a full year in the game. I have carpal tunnel in both wrists and I can’t see further away than the distance between my laptop and my face. I’ve taken all possible sick days at work and I am nearly out of PTO. I have a laptop-shaped burn on my thighs because my laptop is old and any activity brings it to Mordor-levels of white-hot heat, but I am too busy harvesting my corn to even notice that my skin looks like a deli slice of cheese set out on a metal plate in the hot desert sun. I’ve half-watched all of 30 Rock twice now as it plays in a loop on my TV in the background.

I am addicted to Stardew Valley and I am standing on the sidelines watching as it destroys every facet of my life.

Do I have a girlfriend in real life? No, but in the game I did give Abigail a pumpkin, and I think she’s warming up to me. If we get married, her Wikipedia page says she’ll water my crops for me. That’s what I look for in a woman now.

Abigail

Do I have a job in real life? Yes, but every moment at work now feels like a moment wasted; I could be using that time to smelt iron.

Do I have meaningful relationships in my real life? Yes, and I absolutely refuse to prioritize them above watering my beautiful fields of amaranth.

Do I have cats that I take care of? Yes, but I haven’t seen them in days, and there’s a horrible smell coming from under my bed. However, when I right-click on my cat in the game, a heart appears above its head, signifying that all is well.

I think this game was created specifically to destroy me. The graphics evoke early generations of Pokemon, the functionality evokes Minecraft, the addictive farming compulsion evokes the gardening aspects of The Sims. Three games that I have been separately addicted to, all rolled into one, and I think I have finally met the beast I cannot beat.


So, goodbye cruel world. I’ll be digitally assimilating my consciousness into my Stardew Valley farm effective immediately. If you need to speak to me, come find me here:

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I am so furious that I ever downloaded this incredible horrible game that I love so much and loathe with my full body.