Relax? Try SHElax with these 8 sexy tips!

— Tuesday, April 26th, Personal

Ladies, are you sick? Are you tired? Do you occasionally find yourself staring at errant litter while waiting for the bus to come, thinking about the never-ending trudge of work, eat, sleep, work, as you crawl on hands and knees ever closer to the widening maw of your own open grave? You need a vacation, STAT! It’s time to dig deep and find your inner peace! Here are some tips to get you started, you intractable firecracker of a woman!

1. Have a glass of wine with your girlfriends!

It’s a harsh, dog eat dog world out there and sometimes there’s only one thing you can do to keep the dark spectre of reality at bay, and that’s splatter it in the lush, velvety hues of a low-to-mid-price Pinot. Listen, nothing is easy and everything is finite, but drink enough bottles of Barefoot with Stephanie from the office and you’ll be dishing it out as well as you can take it in no time. No rules, no worries, no judgement – you’re free, you’re still relatively young, and there’s nothing waiting for you on the other side of dawn except more disappointment. See just how far the rabbit hole goes!

2. Get a Mani-pedi!

Naturally, as a woman, your value is almost entirely based on your appearance, which will be forever scrutinized and critiqued negatively. In spite of the quality of your looks, your public dissection is inevitable. You will never win this game. Tell everyone you are just popping out for a manicure, but instead don a flower crown and take to the wild, naked as the day you were born. Scramble through the underbrush and shit with impunity like a feral creature. When they come for you, be ready.

3. Yoga!

Namaste, bitches! Bend your spine into an angular pretzel of white noise while your feelings and emotions drizzle out of you like freshly squeezed orange juice. Never stop talking about how great yoga is and how profoundly it will change lives. Look others in the eyes and challenge them to defy you with your body language. If anyone tries to talk about anything other than yoga, karate chop their windpipe with a strong, open hand.

4. Ride the rails!

Nothing clears a girl’s head like a change of scenery and a well packed bindle. As long as you’ve got a fifth of gin in your back pocket you’ve got a ticket to ride, lady. Feel the breeze in your hair and the lascivious glances of your stinking, loutish traveling partners. Be sure not to fall in love with anything other than the open road and the feeling of pure freedom as the problems and needs of your thankless, disappointing family disappear behind you. You can almost hear their regretful cries on the wind.

5. Remove rebar from a fresh wound!

Oh sure, you survived the initial blast – it rocketed you back some, and you’ve got yourself plenty of embedded shrapnel to deal with later – but first, you’ve gotta address the long shaft of rebar sticking out of your left shoulder. Guess what girlfriend, it missed your heart! Before you lose too much blood and start to get woozy, grab that metal pole with your right hand and, like Excalibur, pull it free from the bewitched stone of your shoulder. You’re gonna want to apply pressure right away – use your gravity, and your body weight, to your advantage.Once you’ve stopped the bleeding, you’ll be looking dewy and coy for any available military men that might be sniping about, but watch out for friendly fire! Seriously, watch out. You’re in enemy territory. Stay low to the ground and cover yourself in mud.

6. Rejuvenating Blood Bath!

How does one retrieve that moony, fatty glow that we all enjoyed when we were young and fresh? Of course, the wizened laugh lines and crepe paper décollatage of your current face are completely unacceptable for a woman living in this century. Heaven and earth! Instead of fixating on your pendulous wattle, simply find yourself the blood of six or seven nubile virgins and have yourself a spa day. That Elizabeth Bathory was on to something.

7. Brunch with the ladies!

TBQH, mimosas are e v e r y t h i n g. Break out the pancake mix and have a soiree with your best gal pals! No boys allowed, just copious amounts of champagne and sweet treats! Plan it on a hot day, so all your ladies will show up in their cutest outfits! They better not bring boys though! This is not an afternoon for boys. Boys will not do well at this affair. Never mention what you get up to at your little parties, not even amongst one another. If one of you brings it up, immediately ostracize her from the group. It’s for her own good. Remember what happened to Sharon? Just don’t bring it up, it’s not hard to do. What happens at brunch stays at brunch, and that’s just the way it has to be.

8. Overthrow the false prophets!

Ugh, Golden Calf is so yesterday! You’ve seen all the opposing divine overlords that this current epoch has to offer, and frankly, you’re not impressed. On the morning of the June Moon, kneel by the rushing waters of your town’s northernmost creek and call out all the names of the New Deities, chanting “I renounce thee, I renounce thee, I renounce thee” after each name. Before long, Bethesda, the sacred Grandmother, will appear before you in a cloud of smoke. Do not be afraid of her hideous visage; the moldering skin of her deer head is merely a mark of her age and wisdom. Allow her to lead you to the land of Sisters, where you will live forever in peace and sorority. At times, when you are lying in the tall Elysian grasses of your forever home, you will remember your life before this place, but it will be but a dim memory – the buzzing of a wasp or pest that is easily swatted from the fragrant air.