NEWS: Crying Study Reveals Open Weeping Very Cool and Slimming

— Friday, June 2nd, Uncategorized

This week scientists discovered through a series of very specific trials that involved legitimate science and more than a few doctors standing around in enlarged playtex goggles and arm length black plastic gloves, that the act of weeping every single day can have the effect of making one appear increasingly cool and, the aforementioned science suggests, overall slimmer and more attractive.

“You see,” Dr. Science told us, “the chain reaction begins when a person finally breaks down and cries, releasing anxiety, fear and despair that has built up over time and formed a noxious gas of infinite bad that lives here, right here, under the skin. The act of crying releases that gas, allowing the individual to purge all their innumerable sorrows from the epidermis and into the air.”

A particular area of interest and measure was “seated at your desk”; a common focal point of “silent tears” type weeping, participants in the study found that, despite their best efforts, trying to quell those welling eyes did no good, and hot sobs soon cascaded from their twitching faces. Other locales of interest and measure included the workplace bathroom, the dressing room, the pantry at your parents house, and lying silently in bed next to your indifferent partner.

“I’m stoked,” says Marina, dumpy 28 year old with no prospects, no skills and no boyfriend, “I cry all the time. Everywhere. Some days I think I’m not gonna cry, that today is gonna be different? And then they mess up my coffee order or I can’t get a cab no matter how long I stand there, and I remember.”  Marina began clawing at her face, her eyes fixed on the ceiling, “Oh god, I remember.”

Chad, a senior over at UMB, had some different feelings. “I’m very serious and athletic, and I never cry. I just don’t feel the need to. It’s just that like, only queers cry? And I’m not a fucking queer.” At this juncture, Chad punched straight through some drywall and pantsed someone on the other side. “So I guess I don’t really feel like this data will affect me all that much. I’m still rad as hell.”

In summary, the study found that crying all the time, like constantly, makes you super duper cool and that’s what the science said and you can’t argue with science. So anyway maybe everybody should just chill out and stop asking people “what’s wrong” or trying to talk to them when they’re just trying to release some tension. besides maybe people have allergies and THAT’S why their faces are so red and puffy, you don’t know, if that’s what they say then that’s probably the truth because why would somebody lie about that. It’s none of your business anyway! Just everybody leave everybody alone!